You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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