Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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