I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
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I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
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The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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