WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
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I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
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Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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