I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
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i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
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So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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