when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize