Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
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Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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