When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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