I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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