Betty ford says i'm here all night
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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