i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
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I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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