i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
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But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
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the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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