if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
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i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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