Umm I'm too high to move.
She said her name was "party"
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
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i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
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I need a burrito and a hug.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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