If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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