I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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