Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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