So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
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Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
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My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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