Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
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rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
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She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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