the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
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i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
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Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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