We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
50% drunk capacity currently
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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