Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
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ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize