I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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