We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
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We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
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Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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