I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
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He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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