i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize