If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
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Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
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we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
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