you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
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Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
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Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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