he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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