Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Pappa wants mamma naked
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
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You did a strip tease for the toilet.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
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I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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