I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
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Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
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Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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