My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
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I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
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i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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