What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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