I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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