What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
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On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
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There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
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