My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
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We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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