You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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