i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
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oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
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AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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