i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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