I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
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I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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