Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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