seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
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Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
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he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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