you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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