saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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