My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize