My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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