I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
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It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
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In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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