ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
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He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
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it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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