I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So vagazzling was a success
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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