i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
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Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
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I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
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